


if i get more pretty, do you think he will like me?

by grizzly28



Series: talking to my diary [3]
Category: Bridgerton (TV), Bridgerton Series - Julia Quinn
Genre: Angst, Colin saying what he said and making Pen sad, F/M, Heart Break, Insecurities, Low Self Esteem, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-17 07:41:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29589465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grizzly28/pseuds/grizzly28
Summary: Chapter 1: At 19 years old, Penelope never thought that she could feel the pain of this kind of heartbreak. She also never imagined this pain would be caused by the one who always shined so brightly and made her feel warm inside.This is what se writes in her diary after hearing what she never expected to hear from her very first love.-Chapter 2: After Penelope hears the love of her life saying he would never date her she just crumbles apart.This is what she writes in her diary on the week following the incident.
Relationships: Colin Bridgerton/Penelope Featherington
Series: talking to my diary [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2163579
Comments: 30
Kudos: 97





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I won't lie, this one hurts. 
> 
> I always thought that if Penelope heard Colin saying his infamous cruel words in a modern au, she would most likely question her worth and suffer from bad self esteem. So as soon as I heard the song Prom Queen - Beach Bunny, I was inspired.
> 
> I hope you like it!

_July 21 2012_

Dear diary,

 _I wanna be okay._ But I don't know if I ever felt a greater amount of pain and rejection in my 19 years of life.

I knew I would never date Colin Bridgerton, but hearing him say that out loud was like a bunch of needles being stuck to my heart, one by one. Even the episode on my birthday last year when he didn't acknowledge my very embarrassing and disastrous declaration of love didn't hurt me as much as this. It was clear to me that Colin only saw me as a friend, or sister like he stated, and I was trying to accept that and forget him. 

He went back to university the day after my party. A few weeks later, by mid June, he graduated college and fled the country almost immediately to start his gap year travelling adventures. That means that I was able to avoid him completely for a while after that stupid night.

By September, when I started university at Oxford with Eloise - who has a very blessed heart and never mentioned or questioned my affection for her brother - I had decided to put a stop on those immature feelings. I wasn't a high schooler anymore and it was time to forget all about that nonsense of childhood love. 

I was very confident I was gonna forget how my insides went warm and how I felt completely eclipsed by his light... And then I saw him during Christmas when he came back to visit. How silly of me to think I would ever be able to feel nothing when he brightly smiled at me whenever we saw each other. So during the holidays, I spent a long time listening to him describing his travels around Greece and Cyprus, while feeling happy and giddy about at least being able to be his friend.

And then today happened. He ruined it all. He ruined me.

I was very happy to be a part of one more annual family summer celebration aunt Violet organizes for the Bridgertons to celebrate the warm, happy, and sunny weather, as she had explained to me all those years ago when I first met Eloise. It was always one of my favorite Bridgertons parties. It was.

As I do since the day I was first invited, I was helping aunt Violet to organize the big dining room. Then I heard Colin talking to Anthony and Benedict. I didn't mean to eavesdrop, I was just walking to the back of the house to get the flower arrangements to decorate the table when I heard Anthony and Benedict laughing before a clearly annoyed Colin announced that he “would never date Penelope Featherington”. 

The worst part is that I couldn't hold the hurted “oh” that left my mouth before my brain registered that I was making any sound and they all looked at me. My vision was blurred and I was trying very hard not to cry in front of them but I could tell that all three of them were shocked to see me there.

We stood in a complete uncomfortable silence until, don't ask me how, I mustered the courage to look at him and say that I never asked him to date me - even though my show last year might prove me wrong. Why am I so cringey?

In the back of my head I can remember all of them snapping out of their trance and starting to mumble things, trying to apologize. But I quickly turned around and ran back home. 

As soon as I got home I sent El a quick message saying I wasn't feeling good and had left, making sure to ask her to apologize to aunt Violet on my behalf, before shutting my phone completely off to ignore all the messages and phone calls that were already popping up. I doubt any of her elder brothers will tell her what actually happened, so tomorrow I can just tell her that I had the worst case of cramps in my life and fall asleep as soon as I arrived home. It's not really a lie if the pain I am feeling is much more devastating anyway, right?

I am pretty sure that I have been pathetically crying for the past 4 hours and I can't stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks while I wonder. Why was he talking about me? Is he so repulsed by me that he had to make it clear to his brothers that he would never date me? Could it be that he had actually noticed my feelings for him and I was a joke between the Bridgerton siblings? That couldn't be it… they wouldn't be so cruel. Would they?

I know I shouldn't mix all my feelings but it's impossible not to think about all the big ifs surrounding my life. I am very aware that _I am not pretty and I was never cut out for prom queen._

Maybe, dear diary, _maybe I should cut some calories so I could look good like the girls_ he posts pictures with on social media. _Maybe I should try harder_ to be one of the girls with a _beauty that makes boys happy_.

I feel awful. I never imagined that the bright sunny boy I fell in love in my early teenage years would actually make me feel so empty and void of any light. Out of all the people who have ever made me feel ugly and unwanted, Colin would probably be one of the last I would expect to make this even worse. But here we are.

Deep down I am fully aware that this is not the moment to _dissect my insecurities_ , the ones that have absolutely nothing to do with this awful episode, but at the same time all of this just makes me question if _I should try harder_ or just completely _lower my expectations_ in life.

I can't stop thinking: _if I get more pretty, do you think he will like me?_


	2. i just want to be happy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Penelope hears the love of her life saying he would never date her, she just crumbles apart.
> 
> This is what she writes in her diary on the week following the incident.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I definitely broke my own heart writing Penelope's diary entry after the “I will never date Penelope Featherington” incident. We all know Colin wasn't trying to be mean on purpose, but it hurts.
> 
> That being said, I felt like I needed to write a little bit more from Pen‘s diary after her heartbreak. Especially to give more context for her 20th, since I have… plans muahaha.
> 
> This one was inspired by Happy - Julia Michaels. Most of the song doesn't make sense for Pen, but the chorus is pretty much what i think Pen would feel after that.
> 
> So yeah, here it is. I hope you like it!
> 
> Let me know what you think :)

_July 22 2012_

Dear diary,

Am I stupid?

Why did I think that logging on my social media would be a good idea? My phone has been turned off since yesterday when I got home, but I imagined that maybe I would be safe checking my life online to try and like, not cry, for an hour or so. What a big mistake.

The first thing I saw when I opened Facebook was a family picture that aunt Violet uploaded last night. 

I did notice that Colin wasn't smiling like he usually is in every other picture, but it didn't matter. I shut down my laptop and resumed my self-pity party.

_I just wanna be happy._

-

_July 23 2012_

Dear diary,

Eloise showed up at my place today today. She bursted through my bedroom door yelling at me for not replying to anyone's text messages in the past two day. Then she saw me.

She forced me to eat, to shower, and to leave my bedroom. When I started crying after looking at a sunflower in my backyard, she pushed me back inside and watched a bunch of old X-Factor videos on YouTube with me.

_I just wanna be happy._

-

_July 24 2012_

Dear diary,

Eloise came back today and informed me that she'll be staying at my place until further notice. She brought a bag of clothes, a bunch of snacks and I heard her telling my mom she would even pay for rent, but she would stay at my place for the rest of this summer.

To be honest, I don't know if I love or hate her for this.

_I just wanna be happy._

-

_July 25 2012_

Dear diary,

Guess what? I woke up crying hahaha. Not funny, okay.

Anyway, El asked me if I would ever turn on my phone again. I told her that I might as well just throw it in the Thames since there's nothing there I would like to see it.

She stared at me but didn't say anything.

_I just wanna be happy._

-

_July 26 2012_

Dear diary,

Eloise went home to have lunch with her family today and I felt some kind of relief to be able to drown in my pain alone for a few hours. I spent most of the time looking at myself in the mirror and thinking how I could change the way that I look. Maybe I could find a way to be a little bit more... attractive.

When El got home I told her I wanted to dye my hair and get on a diet. She just stared at me and said we should probably talk about this another day.

_I just wanna be happy._

-

_July 27 2012_

Dear diary,

Will it ever stop hurting?

Lord, _I'd sniff glitter if it'd help me feel something_ different.

_I just wanna be happy._

-

_July 28 2012_

Dear diary,

It's been a week. One entire fucking week that i have been sobbing around my bedroom.

I feel pathetic. It's not like I didn't know already that he didn't - actually no, scratch that - that **he would never** see me like a potential lover. So why does it hurt so much?

Earlier this morning Eloise finally broke and told me to suck it up and move on from whatever had happened. I told her to go to hell and leave me alone. She said she didn't recognize me and left the house for most of the day. 

After a few hours alone and feeling bad about snapping at the only person who was putting up with me, I decided to try and crawl out of my misery. That's how I ended up turning on my phone to face whatever I had to face.

I knew I couldn't run away forever, although I wish I could.

Just looking at the amount of text messages from the past week popping up on my screen sent me exactly to the place I was a week ago. Seeing notifications from the Bridgertons, especially Colin, was like a new wave of pain crashing down on me all over again.

I decided to open the messages from ABC last.

First, there were a few texts from aunt Violet. The first few days, she asked if I was feeling better and showed herself worried from my lack of response. After Eloise came to see me she changed her tone and said that she hoped I would have a great summer and that she understood my need to be offline and enjoy the summer with my family.

Time with my family… yeah right.

The last messages from aunt Violet were two recipes she thought I would like to try to bake. She also told me that Hyacinth and Gregory demanded her to tell me that they missed playing video games with me - like we did every summer since I met them. That made me smile.

Then I saw a text from Francesca telling me that I am lame for trying to stay offline. There was also tons of notifications from posts she tagged me on Instagram - a bunch of random celebrity gossip and stupid memes. That made me giggle.

Daphne said she wished I was feeling better and that she hoped I knew I could talk to her if I wanted to. Considering she 100% knows about my feelings for Colin, I think she probably figured something had happened last Saturday. She also sent me a screenshot of Simon telling her not to pass it on to me that he admitted that he saw potential in that Harry Styles boy from that boyband I liked to listen to. That made me laugh.

I also read and replied to messages from other friends asking why the hell I was trying to stay offline. Apparently Eloise told everyone I am on a technology detox. I love that girl for thinking when my brain stopped working.

And then I had nothing else to do, but to actually read the messages I was dreading to.

I opened all the texts from Anthony, Benedict and Colin feeling my heart racing. I would be lying if I say that I actually read anything, my eyes only skimmed the words but I could tell they were saying basically the same thing: they were sorry, they didn't mean to hurt my feelings, that Colin was an idiot but wasn't trying to be cruel, and to please forgive them.

I didn't answer anything and deleted all the messages in a failed attempt to simply ignore everything. I was trying to make it go away.

Except Colin is Colin and he didn't stop.

He messaged me an apology everyday on social media _"in hopes for me to see that he was truly sorry and to please forgive his stupidness”._

The last message on my Instagram DMs was sent an hour ago and it read _“Pen… where are you? Eloise told me you are having a technology detox and I don't know if I believe in that. I never wanted to make you sad and push you away from me and everyone else in my family. They all miss you. I miss you. I really hope you are feeling well, Pen. Please talk to me when you are ready. Again, I am so sorry I was an idiot”._

That made me angry. Was he seeking a way of making himself feel better? Why couldn't he just shut up and take the excuse like everybody else?

I contemplated not answering at all. I really did. My plan was to pretend nothing happened and move on with my life. But I knew he wouldn't stop.

And I am hurt, and bitter, and angry.

My reply was as snarky as my feelings. _“Oh my gosh, Colin... I don't care about what you said. As I told you last Saturday, I never asked you to date me, so it doesn't matter. I didn't think about what happened at all this past week, so stop trying to make yourself feel better (because that's the only reason you're texting me, let's be real) and leave me alone. If forgiveness is what you need, you are forgiven. Now stop bothering me and assuming things, I just don't want to spend my summer online. And get this message: not everything is about you”._

His reply came almost immediately and I felt even worse if that's possible. It was simple, but effective: _“Okay, Pen. I'm sorry, I'll leave you alone”._

That should have made me feel better, right? Right?

Well, it didn't. I cried all over again while reading our exchange and looking through all the pictures he had posted and was tagged on Instagram.

_I just wanna be fucking happy._


End file.
